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Sunday, 30 April, 2006
Driving in India : A Hilarious Account By Coen Jukens
I visited Mumbai recently and agree with the observations about driving.
For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival. They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best and leave the results to your insurance company. The hints are as follows:
Do we drive on the left or right of the road? The answer is "both".
Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess.
Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality.
Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't you get discouraged or underestimate yourself. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better position.
Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.
Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We horn to express joy, resentment, frustration, romance and bare lust (two brisk blasts) or just to mobilize a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.
Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rain waters to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage.
Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Genghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record. On encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes. Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver and the peg of illicit arrack he has had at the last stop; his total cerebral functions add up to little more than a naught. Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously.
Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never show any signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are a greater threat.) Only, you will often observe that the cleaner that sits next to the driver will project his hand and wave hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just an __expression of physical relief on a hot day.
Occasionally you might see what looks like an UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrim buses go at breakneck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.
Unique to Indian traffic:
Auto Rickshaw (Baby Taxi)
The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, at an unspecified fare.
After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion en route to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Ben Hur and are licensed to irritate.
Mopeds
The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road; they would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.
Leaning Tower of Passes
Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem (hell). There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many Rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.
One-way Street
These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.
Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive point also.
Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing a "speed breaker"; two for each house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left un-tarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.
If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons between 8 pm and 11 am - when the police have gone home. The citizen is then free to enjoy the 'FREEDOM OF SPEED' enshrined in our constitution.
Having said all this, isn't it true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US or other countries ?
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Sasha
Modified on April 30, 2006 at 1:54 PM
Wednesday, 11 January, 2006
The first time I met Shankar Narayan was in Guwahati as a Probationer. He was still unattached. During our stay there he was promoted as DAO/Katihar,got married and brought home his wife Madhavi. For quite sometime he was contemplating ‘getting out of’ NF Railway to be closer to home. But I advised him to finish this stint early in his career so that he would not encounter any ‘educational’ or ‘parents old age’ problem later on in life He heeded my advice and continued in the North Eastern region for some more time.
We continued to keep in touch when I was subsequently posted to Secunderabad as he would come visiting his relatives there and drop by to spend some time with me. He was a bright and chirpy person then…full of energy and there was no inkling of what was to follow in the area of his health a few years down the line.
Shanker was not only a bright young officer,he was also computer savvy. He then joined CONCOR in their office at Secunderabad as this brought him closer to home. We would meet more often now. During these few years I had noticed that he had put on a lot of weight. When jokingly I queried whether it was a sign of prosperity he replied that he was under medication (steroids) due to some weird neurological problem. Never did I, or for that matter he, imagine its magnitude.
After a couple of years Shanker was posted in ICF/Chennai. During the last couple of years my visits to Chennai increased due to my eye problems. Whenever I visited Sankara Netralaya for an operation or a check up, Nargis & I would invariably drop in at their place.
The first few years of their life the couple went through some trying times for the want of a child. Finally, after many years they were blessed with one only last year. But unfortunately, when Madhavi was pregnant, Shanker was diagnosed with a brain disorder which only got worse with time. Despite seeking and getting the best possible medical treatment available he was not fortunate enough to pull through. Madhavi had spent the last ten years having to deal with the birth of her child. Now she will have to spend the rest of her life, dealing with the death of her husband. May God give her the strength to do so.
»9:12 PM
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Posted by:
Sasha
Wednesday, 4 January, 2006
Hi Friends !
By now you would have settled down to your desk after the New Year celebrations and wishing one and all in office ! A very Happy New Year from me to all the members of the IRAS fraternity (including the Bloggers) !!
This is to thank 'Sir' Bhatnagar for this space. Hope we get to experience some mind boggling Blogs !! Let the Games begin....they say ??!!
Sasha
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Sasha
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